Hmmm..

It seems like it's been awhile since I really stopped to think about things... About everything. It feels like I've lost the ability to think deeply, with a focused mind. Maybe I just need more time to myself. There's only so much I can do nowadays...

Here I go again, failing Him more and more each day... Why does this happen? I thought I was over it already.. But I guess it's never really over. It's a constant struggle that He already expects me to go through. But I really need help, I can't do this alone...

I wonder, am I still being true to myself lately? I don't even know anymore...

I don't understand. I never really expected things to turn out this way.. For awhile now I've resisted, just waiting for the type of person that I know I needed. So why were things different when it came to her?
I honestly don't have a clue how I'm going to bring her to Christ, or if I even have the courage to try hard enough. I keep sensing that she just feels uneasy about all of it. I know I shouldn't be scared, but why am I?
I love her, I really do. But there are times when I ask myself if this is really what's right for me.. I would hate to think that I'm only setting ourselves up for inevitable heartbreak.. Only God knows...

I want to blog everything out a lot more, but I don't know if I should right now.. I really don't know what I'm doing with my life right now, for that matter. Am I even going the right way? I guess only time will tell...

Rest in Paradise...

So it's been awhile (again) since I've blogged, but given the circumstances I'd figure it would be appropriate now more than ever, just so I can forever cling to the memories that I've had with a loved one that's now gone, Tita Elsa. I mean, I guess I haven't known her as long as most people, but that NEVER mattered to her. She always treated me as if I've known her my whole life, and it honestly feels like I have... From the beginning, she's welcomed me and my family to the church. Every time I would see her she would always encourage me to keep worshipping God, showing true appreciation for me... She would ask me about my future, about college and everything... She always told me not to go too far and to stay around for the church (which I hope to do), and to maybe even consider going to a bible college, hehe. I always took her advice to heart and greatly appreciated the things that she told me... I just wish she was still around to give me more...

I'm ever so thankful for the great friendship that she gave my mom, guiding her in her transition to the church and for always being there for her... I'm thankful for the marvelous things that she has taught Miggy. Bible verses and Christian ways of living that he's really taken to heart, things that I wish I learned when I was a kid, hehe. She has just done so many big things for me, my family, and everyone who has ever come across her... She was truly a blessing, one of the greatest servants of Christ that I've ever known..

 I still find it hard to believe that she's gone now... It was all so unexpected and so shocking to the point of utter disbelief. Of course, I miss her, a lot. The role that she played here on Earth will be a hard void to fill, but I know that she will live on in our lives, through her family and through the church. I can truly see how God has used this to strengthen the church. And even with me, I've found that I've been devoting a lot more time to God lately, wanting to live more like her... To be a servant like her... Sigh... Yet, despite all of these sorrow feelings, I find joy in the fact that she's with our Lord now :) I can just imagine how happy she is now that she truly knows what it's like to be in heaven, to see Him face to face and finally be with Him. 

So with all that said, I just want to thank Tita Elsa for all that she has done, for the legacy that she's left, and for allowing God to work wonderful things through her. Rest in paradise Tita Elsa, I'll see you when I get there :)

Hello again

So it's been awhile since my last blog. I guess things have just been so hectic that I rarely have time to just sit down and contemplate over everything that's been going on. Idk what I'm going to be writing about exactly in this one, but I know where to start.

So last Wednesday, we had our catholic mass at school. I was especially interested in this one because David, a fellow Christian at my school, had told that he was going to be giving the scriptural reflection. He told me that even though he's not catholic, he was simply giving the reflection because, similarly to myself, he was tired of students who know nothing of scripture giving the scriptural reflection. I mean, how is it that atheists have given the reflections in the past? Sure, they've had positive things to say with good moral implications, but the true biblical message just isn't there.

So seeing David up there was definitely a breath of fresh air. I loved everything that he had to say, and how he didn't sugarcoat it. He was straight forward when talking about the real issues like drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc. All those things that give us temporary happiness. And I loved how he emphasized and reiterated the relationship with God, the true friendship. The only source of permanent happiness. Christianity. Everything that he said was just spot on, and I couldn't have agreed more with.

It's just a shame, of course... Some of the reactions and feedback that I heard. Like when he mentioned pornography, the whole gym filled with one of those STUPID applauses that Serra guys always give at the worst times. I absolutely hated their cheering... but what can I do. I just sat there, shook my head in disgust, and kept my focus on David's message. And afterwards, some of my friends and I talked about his reflection during lunch, and it seems like the message was just completely lost to them. Instead of actually listening and being inspired by his words, they spent too much time judging him. Saying things like, "What the hell was he talking about" and saying he was just rambling too much, which of course I disagreed with. But I tried reinforcing his message and further explaining what he was trying to say. Yet, it seems like they just don't have the heart to actually take it seriously... It's such ashame, knowing that David's great message, the best one I've heard thus far at Serra, received so much criticism and judgments.... Still, I stood by him and gave him all of my support.

Seeing him up there, though, definitely inspired me. And for once, I'm actually considering volunteering to give the scriptural reflection at one of the masses sometime. I just want to keep the right message going to the students, maybe it could be enough to start a change...

Thank you David. Praise God for Christianity finally making itself present at Serra.

Idk

This is one of those moments where I really feel like I have to let everything out, but I don't know if I should... I mean, I've been confused. REALLY confused. I just don't know what to do. I've thought hard about it and I've prayed hard about it for days, weeks, a loong time now. Yet, I still haven't found a clear answer.

This is hard, really hard. I don't know how I got myself into a situation like this, I knew I should've stopped before it got out of hand, but I didn't. Instead, I just let it keep going, without thinking straight a lot of the time. It's as if whenever I talked to that person or spent time with that person, I became my old self again. The person I didn't want to be... Quite frankly, I feel like the enemy really got to me, and it hurts, A LOT. And now, I'm stuck in a hole that I don't know how to get out of.

During my walk today (from Serra all the way to San Bruno. It was a tri-school charity event,) I had a moment... Basically, we separated from each other, I got ditched by someone, and I was basically walking by myself from Burlingame to Millbrae (which was kinda lame, but necessary now that I think about it.) So during that time, I was just listening to some Hillsong United, and of course, their songs really got to me, as always. It got to the point where I just started tearing up a bit, singing along to myself, raising my hands a little and praising God, not caring who heard me. I just wanted to let all the passion, all the emotion out, but for some reason I couldn't... So I spent that moment to myself, thinking about absolutely everything and praying along the way. I prayed for God to just enter my heart and my soul, for him to surround me and reveal to me what I should do about my situation. I closed my eyes, stuck my hands out, and I felt his presence. During that time thoughts just filled up in my head, and I just got more and more confused with what to do. Hillsong United just kept playing as I let the lyrics enter my heart, hoping for a sign to come to me... This went on for a good half an hour at least...

So then I finally caught up with her at the Millbrae stop, and for some reason, I just couldn't get myself to talk to her... I was just so... frustrated, sad, mad, brokenhearted (by God, which is more of a good thing,) and idk. I just ignored her... I don't really know why exactly, but I did, testing myself and hoping that God would let me figure things out during the silence. So we stayed silent... walking next to each other all the way to the end, not saying a word. And I just kept on thinking... praying for an answer... I didn't want anyone but God to surround me.


Ugh, I'll continue this later... there's just way too much on my mind...

Closer...

"And I just can't pull myself away
Under her spell I can't break
I just can't stop, I just can't stop..."


But I desperately need to... I don't know how, but I need to... We can't keep going on like this. This isn't the right way, and I know it. But why can't I do it? I see how much she needs me... But I need help. It's breaking me apart. I can't let it go on, but I don't know why I can't stop...


I'll have to leave it at that, for now...


Lord, please do whatever you have to do... I desperately need you


"All I need is you Lord, is you Lord
All I need is you..."

The enemy has been defeated

Well it's been a few weeks, but it's time to blog again! So what better to blog about than the absolutely AMAZING Hillsong United concert I went to last Tuesday. Now I could probably go on and on about it, but I'm gonna save myself the trouble because I already know I can't possibly say enough to do it justice. All I can say is that it was just POWERFUL, being lead in worship by such an amazing group of artists, along with hundreds of people, pouring their heart out to God and shouting in praise w/ hands raised high. It was truly beautiful...

One of the moments that really stuck with me was after we sang "Shout Unto God." Joel Houston declared, "When we say the enemy has been defeated, we MEAN the enemy has been defeated!"

That statement made me feel GREAT. Made me shout unto God even more, declaring absolute victory over the enemy, because I actually FELT it like never before. Being able to shut out the enemy completely as the night progressed gave me such a rejuvenating feeling. I mean, even now, whenever I sense the enemy trying to get to me, all I do is repeat that phrase in my head, "the enemy has been defeated," or sing the song out loud, and it gets him OUT. So thank you Hillsong United, for inspiring me in so many ways and for helping me shut out the enemy. Take that as yet another answered prayer.

So much went on that night, a lot of emotion, high energy, sweat, tears, and encores. And like I said, I could probably go on and on about my experience and how awesome Hillsong United is (I've really become addicted to them like never before in the past few days,) but I know praising them wasn't their purpose that night, and neither was mine. They weren't playing for anyone but God, and THAT'S why they're amazing. Pouring their hearts out on stage and inspiring the crowd to do the same, all for God, that's what I admire most. They have the power to change lives through music. God bless them, truly.

Oh, and also, I'd like to declare that Jad Gillies is my new musical hero! He's a BEAST on vocals & guitar, especially during Saviour King! Man I love it...

Well I'm getting tired, so I'm just gonna stop here. Time to kick back, relax, and listen to my new Hillsong CD :D


Praise the Lord, and may He bless you truly :)

First day

Summer break is officially OVER, I'll miss it deeply :(

Well, I had my first day of school today. It was only a half day tho w/ 4 periods (1, 4, 5, 7), and since 4th period is lunch (upper classmen) & 5th is my free period, I only had 2 classes today, so it was all good :) But I'm not really here to talk about everything that happened today. Just this particular moment during 1st period, AP Calc BC, which is a good ol' class of 13 students in room A, an isolated classroom away from the main campus, near the baseball field & right next to the weight room. And that's where I have to go for 1st period everyday...
But anyways, in class we were just going around the room sharing summer stories and the best & worst parts of our summer. Everyone would be crackin jokes and having some good laughs along the way. Then came my turn, and I said, "Well one of the best parts of mine was, towards the beginning of summer, I was baptized."

Then the whole room went silent.

And I mean, complete silence. No one knew what to say.. And I just sat there, waiting for some sort of reaction.. Til the teacher finally acknowledged me and the silencing effect I just had on the room, and also congratulating me for the baptism, which was nice. But wow, this one was kinda hard to interpret. I mean, why? Was the silence a good sign or a bad sign? What ran through my classmates' heads, if anything? Idk, it was just kinda weird, but I'm glad it happened and I'm glad I was able to share that w/ them. I mean, having said that, I actually feel a little more comfortable talking about my faith w/ these people cuz now they have more of a sense of the person I've become. So, despite the silence, I find it as a good step for me. Good way to start off the year.