Idk

This is one of those moments where I really feel like I have to let everything out, but I don't know if I should... I mean, I've been confused. REALLY confused. I just don't know what to do. I've thought hard about it and I've prayed hard about it for days, weeks, a loong time now. Yet, I still haven't found a clear answer.

This is hard, really hard. I don't know how I got myself into a situation like this, I knew I should've stopped before it got out of hand, but I didn't. Instead, I just let it keep going, without thinking straight a lot of the time. It's as if whenever I talked to that person or spent time with that person, I became my old self again. The person I didn't want to be... Quite frankly, I feel like the enemy really got to me, and it hurts, A LOT. And now, I'm stuck in a hole that I don't know how to get out of.

During my walk today (from Serra all the way to San Bruno. It was a tri-school charity event,) I had a moment... Basically, we separated from each other, I got ditched by someone, and I was basically walking by myself from Burlingame to Millbrae (which was kinda lame, but necessary now that I think about it.) So during that time, I was just listening to some Hillsong United, and of course, their songs really got to me, as always. It got to the point where I just started tearing up a bit, singing along to myself, raising my hands a little and praising God, not caring who heard me. I just wanted to let all the passion, all the emotion out, but for some reason I couldn't... So I spent that moment to myself, thinking about absolutely everything and praying along the way. I prayed for God to just enter my heart and my soul, for him to surround me and reveal to me what I should do about my situation. I closed my eyes, stuck my hands out, and I felt his presence. During that time thoughts just filled up in my head, and I just got more and more confused with what to do. Hillsong United just kept playing as I let the lyrics enter my heart, hoping for a sign to come to me... This went on for a good half an hour at least...

So then I finally caught up with her at the Millbrae stop, and for some reason, I just couldn't get myself to talk to her... I was just so... frustrated, sad, mad, brokenhearted (by God, which is more of a good thing,) and idk. I just ignored her... I don't really know why exactly, but I did, testing myself and hoping that God would let me figure things out during the silence. So we stayed silent... walking next to each other all the way to the end, not saying a word. And I just kept on thinking... praying for an answer... I didn't want anyone but God to surround me.


Ugh, I'll continue this later... there's just way too much on my mind...

Closer...

"And I just can't pull myself away
Under her spell I can't break
I just can't stop, I just can't stop..."


But I desperately need to... I don't know how, but I need to... We can't keep going on like this. This isn't the right way, and I know it. But why can't I do it? I see how much she needs me... But I need help. It's breaking me apart. I can't let it go on, but I don't know why I can't stop...


I'll have to leave it at that, for now...


Lord, please do whatever you have to do... I desperately need you


"All I need is you Lord, is you Lord
All I need is you..."

The enemy has been defeated

Well it's been a few weeks, but it's time to blog again! So what better to blog about than the absolutely AMAZING Hillsong United concert I went to last Tuesday. Now I could probably go on and on about it, but I'm gonna save myself the trouble because I already know I can't possibly say enough to do it justice. All I can say is that it was just POWERFUL, being lead in worship by such an amazing group of artists, along with hundreds of people, pouring their heart out to God and shouting in praise w/ hands raised high. It was truly beautiful...

One of the moments that really stuck with me was after we sang "Shout Unto God." Joel Houston declared, "When we say the enemy has been defeated, we MEAN the enemy has been defeated!"

That statement made me feel GREAT. Made me shout unto God even more, declaring absolute victory over the enemy, because I actually FELT it like never before. Being able to shut out the enemy completely as the night progressed gave me such a rejuvenating feeling. I mean, even now, whenever I sense the enemy trying to get to me, all I do is repeat that phrase in my head, "the enemy has been defeated," or sing the song out loud, and it gets him OUT. So thank you Hillsong United, for inspiring me in so many ways and for helping me shut out the enemy. Take that as yet another answered prayer.

So much went on that night, a lot of emotion, high energy, sweat, tears, and encores. And like I said, I could probably go on and on about my experience and how awesome Hillsong United is (I've really become addicted to them like never before in the past few days,) but I know praising them wasn't their purpose that night, and neither was mine. They weren't playing for anyone but God, and THAT'S why they're amazing. Pouring their hearts out on stage and inspiring the crowd to do the same, all for God, that's what I admire most. They have the power to change lives through music. God bless them, truly.

Oh, and also, I'd like to declare that Jad Gillies is my new musical hero! He's a BEAST on vocals & guitar, especially during Saviour King! Man I love it...

Well I'm getting tired, so I'm just gonna stop here. Time to kick back, relax, and listen to my new Hillsong CD :D


Praise the Lord, and may He bless you truly :)