Idk

This is one of those moments where I really feel like I have to let everything out, but I don't know if I should... I mean, I've been confused. REALLY confused. I just don't know what to do. I've thought hard about it and I've prayed hard about it for days, weeks, a loong time now. Yet, I still haven't found a clear answer.

This is hard, really hard. I don't know how I got myself into a situation like this, I knew I should've stopped before it got out of hand, but I didn't. Instead, I just let it keep going, without thinking straight a lot of the time. It's as if whenever I talked to that person or spent time with that person, I became my old self again. The person I didn't want to be... Quite frankly, I feel like the enemy really got to me, and it hurts, A LOT. And now, I'm stuck in a hole that I don't know how to get out of.

During my walk today (from Serra all the way to San Bruno. It was a tri-school charity event,) I had a moment... Basically, we separated from each other, I got ditched by someone, and I was basically walking by myself from Burlingame to Millbrae (which was kinda lame, but necessary now that I think about it.) So during that time, I was just listening to some Hillsong United, and of course, their songs really got to me, as always. It got to the point where I just started tearing up a bit, singing along to myself, raising my hands a little and praising God, not caring who heard me. I just wanted to let all the passion, all the emotion out, but for some reason I couldn't... So I spent that moment to myself, thinking about absolutely everything and praying along the way. I prayed for God to just enter my heart and my soul, for him to surround me and reveal to me what I should do about my situation. I closed my eyes, stuck my hands out, and I felt his presence. During that time thoughts just filled up in my head, and I just got more and more confused with what to do. Hillsong United just kept playing as I let the lyrics enter my heart, hoping for a sign to come to me... This went on for a good half an hour at least...

So then I finally caught up with her at the Millbrae stop, and for some reason, I just couldn't get myself to talk to her... I was just so... frustrated, sad, mad, brokenhearted (by God, which is more of a good thing,) and idk. I just ignored her... I don't really know why exactly, but I did, testing myself and hoping that God would let me figure things out during the silence. So we stayed silent... walking next to each other all the way to the end, not saying a word. And I just kept on thinking... praying for an answer... I didn't want anyone but God to surround me.


Ugh, I'll continue this later... there's just way too much on my mind...